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Christmas Wish List

I was catching up on a bunch of horsey (mule, etc, etc, etc) blogs when I ran across this amusing entry. Very funny stuff and reading it made me start thinking about making a wish-list of my own. Here are a few of my most recent additions:

Spouse & Animal Mind Meld: The ability to tap into their brains  because I have NO CLUE what the heck they’re thinking most the time!

Fingertip Point & Mute: Especially handy for the Cattle Dog Shriek.

Personal Hover Fan: It goes where you go …  because menopause sucks. Still.

Cattle Prod Bumpers: Need I explain?

Saddle Horn Delete: Hit the horn cap, it deletes your last miscue.

Call slapping: You can reach through the phone and slap the telemarketer who interrupted your dinner to take a poll.

Chia Groceries: All you do is add water and they magically appear and prepare themselves.

Equine Zumba: Where Dances With Horses meets the Bossa Nova. (Would LOVE to see someone perform dressage to that!)

Grocery Cart Horn & Front End Loader: The horn because it’s not common knowledge that isles are traffic lanes, and the front end loader to push all those isle-blocking displays and shoppers elsewhere.

And while I’m on the Grocery Theme List:

Nerf Deli Bats: Because apparently taking a number and waiting your turn isn’t for everyone. Now if we got a bat with that number … ’nuff said!

Fluorescent Exact-O Knives: Some days it takes longer to find the Exact-O knife than it takes to feed the horses. (Most days)  I think the FAA would approve!

Vapor Lock Saddle Switch: For those times when your horse is too hot to handle. Mid-buck just flip that switch on and shut ‘er down for a few!

Visor Wikipedia for Rednecks & Cowboys: Wait, I have the answer to that … just let me consult my hat.

Automated Tack Cleaner: Place your dirty tack on the rack and let ‘er rip!

Stupid Vault: Better than a safe room; it’s where all the dumb stuff you’ve ever said and done gets filed.

Universal Sizes for Pet Food: For the mathematically challenged. It’s bad enough that you’re raping us, this shouldn’t have to be rocket science too!

Call Dropping: You can automatically “drop” any phone call mid-sentence. Oh wait, we already have that. It’s called a Cell Phone.

What’s on your Christmas Wish List?

5 responses

  1. Mumsy

    Your Christmas list is funny. I love that picture…it is gorgeous! Hugs

    December 17, 2011 at 7:41 PM

  2. you know that some of your wishes could be replaced by a Star Trek Replicator….. 🙂

    however, that bumper cattle prod has real promise!!!

    December 18, 2011 at 11:32 AM

  3. Brilliant list, you must patent those ideas quick! I have been mulling this over while mucking out and been doing the chores today feeling martyrish with a stinking cold, so here are my requests for Santa:

    A cure for the common cold – where does all the money donated to medical research go!!

    Equi-air freshener: Horse feed additive that converts droppings to scented farts and wee to water which swiftly evaporates

    Equi-hair freshener: Spray on horse once (like Scotchgard) to repel mud, grease, biting insects and rain – with a pearly, seashell-sheen finish for greys

    Lightweight saddle indistinguishable from top quality leather, moulds itself to fit horse and rider perfectly; should obviously incorporate Vapour Lock Switch, Saddle Horn or Pommel delete (European version) and Automated Cleaning Function

    The hay magnet: (fitted into doorframe) you pass through like an airport metal detector, whips every trace of hay and dust off horsy clothing before entering the house

    Dust digester: fitted into roofspace, sucks up dust before it can land on any surface, especially beneficial to asthmatics (like me)

    Smart Fridge and matching Smart Larder: transmit weekly order to grocery store which delivers order with an intelligent human (or in the unlikely event of one being available) a Smart Robot from the same range which stacks away everything exactly as you like it

    Inspired by The Literary Horse’s Donkey Lending Library …. a Chef Lending Library, regular variety for weekdays when you’re just too tired and uninspired to cook a properly balanced meal, and luxury version, someone off the TV or from a famous restaurant for entertainment value when you have friends round

    Long-distance version of your Point and Mute: for the poor little mutt who yaps every day his owners go out to work and leave him outdoors – way across the valley

    Long-distance, heavy-dutyversion of the Point and Mute for gangs of middle-aged weekend bikers and weekday quarry lorries on the valley road

    Drag and drop (to a distance) doormat for cold callers, religious persuaders, politicians, that friend who’s always moaning about her husband (but will never leave him) and the acquaintance with the really bad breath who always stands too close

    And finally, an inflatable fluffy cloud with built-in air-conditioning, (comes in one-person, double, family and party sizes) for summer, which converts to emit radiant heat and light in winter

    Before I add any more and you have me down as a lazy old curmudgeon, I’ll wait and see if others have things to add !

    I have only just spotted your Cowgirl Up! blog (blame the cold) so will now go and catch up……..

    December 18, 2011 at 1:43 PM

  4. Oh I love your red barn!! Beautiful peaceful photo. I would love to see that scene with one of your horses there. Maybe even tacked up. Very nice.

    December 19, 2011 at 12:09 PM

  5. Pingback: Wishes « CurTales

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