I’ve started to look at horses and I admit, it hasn’t been an easy transition. I can’t help thinking that it ought to be a whole lot more “fun” than it’s actually turning out to be. I’m still feeling quite raw over the loss of Tia. I mean, I can usually go through my normal, routine day without breaking into tears. Most of my thoughts about her are focused on so many happy memories. But trying to explain to a seller what I’m hoping to replace can start to get a little iffy. I can write about Tia and be pretty much OK, but talking about her seems to stop me in my tracks. And that always takes me by surprise. I’m used to talking about Tia … I’m just not used to using the past tense. I find myself having flashbacks, then my voice wavers, trails off into mumbles and (I HATE this) I start to get teary. Or my nose runs. Christ. I didn’t carry on this much or this long when my parents died. Overall, everyone I have talked to or dealt with has been very sympathetic and I know I should try to use this experience as a way to learn how to accept the empathy of strangers with grace. But gosh it feels awkward.
And touching a new prospect and then riding one? Well that brings a whole new meaning to the word weird. I keep asking my heart if I’ll know. Will I know when I see the right horse? Will I know when I touch them that they’ll be the horse I’m meant to have? Will I know it, will I feel it? Will the ground shift under my feet, will the sun break through the clouds and stream down on us? How will I know? Well, in all fairness, I didn’t know Tia was going to be my heart horse until I’d had her a few years. Yeah, it took that long for the bond to develop. So I’m probably being an idiot for even letting myself wade into that pond of mixed emotions right now.
The test ride part is hard too. First off, I can’t STAND an audience. I’m not comfortable having two or three people stand around and watch me test drive a horse I’ve only met ten or fifteen minutes prior. Sheesh. I really have to zone to get past my discomfort with that. Second, I’m so used to riding a horse that fits me like a glove. I could honestly count on both hands the number of times I’ve ridden any other horse since I got Tia 22 years ago. So that’s a big hurdle to get over. I wish I was one of those people who enjoys riding all sorts of different horses, but I’m not. I like what I like and I tend to stick with it.
And last but not least, I’m feeling some spousal weirdness. I’ll call it lack of support for now, because I honestly don’t know what signals I’m getting there. So on top of everything else, I need to do the sit down and talk thing with him. He’s not supporting my endeavors in a way that makes me feel good about my search. He’s usually not a critical person, but for some odd reason he seems to think he knows it all when it comes to what I want or need in a horse. I don’t find that amusing one bit, given that I’ve supported him through the purchase and resale of three different horses over the past ten years. Hell, I don’t even LIKE the horse he rides now, but I supported him when he decided that was what he wanted. It’s called teamwork. So yeah, the vibes I’m getting need to be addressed.
Well, time to giddy up and go do a test drive. Wish me luck!
Aug 21, 2010. 2:59 PM EST.
Canon EOS 7D
ISO 125, 135mm, 1/200 sec, f/2.8
Lens: Tamron 70-200mm
Lightroom3: Brightness/contrast adj.